Can I be frank? I think I can. Mostly because those of you who read this probably love me, therefore, I want you to know my heart and where it's been for the last several months. For those of you who don't love me, maybe this post will encourage you none the less.
The Last few months have been one of the most trying seasons (spiritually) in all of my life.
I have been grappling with a restless heart. Confused with what my purpose is and who I am. I am a dreamer who is constantly imagining. I'm not great at actually executing those dreams but I am GREAT at thinking about them.
I am a "doer" or at least I am good at putting on that facade but when it comes to "being still" and "waiting on the Lord", like I am commanded to do- I've got nothing to brag about.
After Matt and I got married we moved to a new town where we knew very few people and we didn't have a church. Our marriage got off to a great start but after the first year things got rocky. I became restless and scared. I am an adventure seeker and the "mundanity" of married life was really getting to me. If you know Matt at all, you know that he is on the cautious side (which is one of the reasons I love him). We started hashing things out and I felt helpless, like I could never do enough to save our marriage or myself.
I found out I was right. After months of struggling God came in calmly and whispered to me "When you think you are worthless you aren't because I am not." It hit me like a thunderbolt. That's it, the Holy Spirit whispered words of wisdom and I heard it. The world tells me I'm never enough, my heart tells me the same, but because I am covered by the King's blood I am free. I can stop striving, I can stop searching for my identity in worldly things. I can love people freely and not worry about what they think about me. I can serve with a willing heart and be confident with who I am. I am His and He is mine. The purpose of my life is to reflect him not to "out do" Him or be "out done" by Him.
My memory verse from last week was
"For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weakness, insults, hardships, persecution, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12:10.
In the times that my heart is quiet I can hear him speak to me and He is so good in it. He uncovers all the things that are causing anxiety in the secret places within me, he brings them to my sight and shows me how filthy they are next to his blameless blood. He wipes them clean.
I am enough because He is enough.
6 comments:
We hit that same wall almost exactly after our 1 year anniversary. With some prayer, the things which have given me the most fear are being resolved bit by bit. And my trust in the Lord has made leaps and bounds. Praying for you! Thanks for sharing.
Even though I'm not married at this time - I've been learning the exact same thing over the last several months!
Like you pointed out: i am not and I don't have to be, because i know I AM.
What I do need to do is seek to know and love HIM and let my service pour out of that.
Thanks for sharing!
Kitty, love your openness and honesty, it keeps us all in check. While I would encourage you to not fret and doubt, I would also say don't give up your dreams. God has a way of fulfilling our desires in ways that we don't even see. We think that an adventurous heart means we much always be going out on "actual adventures," per say, when God may just be wanting us to make an adventure out of the everyday. Take advantage of the moment and don't regret it - the rain in our lives only allows for your garden to grow - without the rain we would all shrivel and die, which is no good =) "Bring the Rain" by Mercy Me is an amazing song that helps me remember that when things seem rough and helpless. I'm not sure Im even making sense, haha, but just know that there are countless people out there experiencing life right there with you (the ups and the downs) and we (including Bryan and myself) feel your pain and are here to walk through it with you. I wish we could spend more time together, but at least with your blog I feel like I can catch up on your life, is that creepy? Maybe, but I don't think I care! =) Just remember you are not in this alone...and getting it out in the open is sometimes all it takes to start on a higher road!...you are an encouragement to me and many others...Miss you Kitty!
Oh, and I was glad to see I am not the only person who follows random people's blogs (MckMama and Jonah's blog)!! They really are an encouragement and sometimes a slap in the face that my life struggles are only hills compared to their mountains...
Beautiful post Shannon. Thank you for sharing it with us.
I really loved this post... it describes what I have been going through the last few years to a tee. Thank you for the words of encouragement and for sharing your heart. It's nice to know that there are other people out there who understand what I am going through. Dream on! :)
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